You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
