Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
