I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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