My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
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