nut hugger
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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