would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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