just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
