OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
My balls are so social today.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
