Jerry, you need to find god
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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