so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize