I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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