do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
