After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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