sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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