i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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