I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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