I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
