He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
