im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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