He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
