Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
