And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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