I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
40s are totally the cure
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
