We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize