There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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