it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
