How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
