At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
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