I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
