So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Randomize
