oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
