i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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