It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
