It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
too bad you live with your parents still
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
