He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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