I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
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