Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
