my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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