We won't sleep together?
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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