if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
We need a shit load of segways right now
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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