I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
