guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
