bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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