The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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