Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
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