Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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