I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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