tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
