I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
