I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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