So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
