So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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