how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
