I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize