Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Randomize
