she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
You need a sexual gate keeper
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
